Saturday, June 21, 2008

In Memory....

May 2008

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Very Long Update.....

Well - here it all goes. The long and emotional of the last 2 months. We had our IUI cycle in April. The cycle went well - I produced 8 eggs; 5 matured and released. A very good cycle - medically speaking. But the cycle failed. We were so disappointed. We totally gave up at that point. We had tried everything we could possibly try. IVF was looking to be our only hope; and neither of us saw a way that would even be possible.

So - much to our surprise; In May I started feeling sick. Not the typical Morning Sickness - but more like a bad cold or flu. The girls at work kept telling me all that week they bet I was pregnant. I told them that was impossible. It could only happen with IVF. So; after several days I decided to take a home test at work just to show them I could not be pregnant. Well - I was proved wrong. A very light line came up on the test stick. I was shocked and didn't know what to think. I first thought the test was wrong. No way could it happen after what the dr's had told us.

So - I called my dr. office and the sent over a lab order for a blood preg. test. Two hours later it was confirmed - I was preg.; but it was a boarderline positive. The pregnancy could go either way they told me.

This was on Friday - May 16, 2008. I was told to repeat the test on Monday to see if my numbers doubled like they should. In a normal preg.; the hcg doubles every 48 hours. My beta hcg was 4.9 on May 16th. I was so happy - forget what that dr. said. I was preg. after he said it was impossible. Nothing could go wrong. God sent us the baby we so desperately wanted. The baby was due on our 3rd wedding anniversary (January 27, 2009). I was so happy I couldn't even wait to get home to tell my husband. I called him from work and told him on the phone. We were both happy; but we were scared at the same time. We so badly wanted this to work out. We wanted this baby to stay with us. The last year and a half had been full of so many disappointments that this one just had to be it.

So when I got off work he called and asked what I was doing. I told him going to Wal-mart. He asked why and I said just to look around. He knows me so well - and knew I wasn't telling him something. So he didn't let that one go. I finally told him I was going to buy some more tests so I could pee on the stick all weekend to make sure the lines got darker. He laughed and said " I knew you would - I am here at Wal-mart waiting for you to walk in the doors." LOL - we bought 6 tests so I could use one twice a day. Now - does anyone else get that excited over a pregnancy??

Well - the lines kept showing up all weekend on those tests - although still very light - they were getting darker.

Monday morning came and I couldn't wait to have my bloodtest. I just knew it had to be good; but I was scared at the same time. It could go either way. I knew this all to well.

So I got to work and we did the beta hcg and prog. Two hours later - I had the results.... Monday - May 19th they were 20.8. They more that doubled. I was so happy and excited I jumped up and screamed and hugged the girl that told me. I was in tears. I could finally relax. This one was it. This one was the keeper. I just knew it. Although my progesterone was a little low at 13.9 - I just had to take prog. supplements for 3 months. So there it was - 750 mg a day of prog. to support the preg.

I called my husband and he was just as excited. Did I stop with the home tests now - oh definately not. I went and bought 5 digital preg. tests that afternoon. I had to see the word preg. before I would totally be relaxed. Next beta hcg and prog. was scheduled for Wednesday.

Well - Wednesday came and my hcg was suppose to double again. Took the blood test - two hours later got the results. My hcg was 101 and my progesterone was 32.5. Holy Cow it more than doubled. The supplements were working. Nothing would go wrong now.

I took the last digital pregnancy test I had and finally saw those beautiful words.... I even took a picture of it.....

We called everyone we could and finally told them I was pregnant.

The next beta was Friday - May 23. I got the most horrible news I could that morning. My hcg dropped. It went to 32.6. The dr. told me to come in for an ultrasound. My heart sunk. I cried all the way to my husbands work where I had to tell him.

The ultrasound was awful. I should have been seeing my baby. Not checking like this. The ultrasound showed exactly what I didn't want to hear. I was losing my baby.

On Memorial Day - May 26, 2008; my baby grew wings and went to heaven.

I have cried until I have been sick. It is all my fault - I am not a "real woman" - if I was I could get preg. and not miscarry.

I have lost all interest in life. I feel like a failure. I am a failure - why can't I do the one thing a woman is suppose to do. I just don't understand this.

We have got a lot of love and support from friends and our church family. The cards; hugs and prayers have all meant a lot.

Where will we go from here - I have no idea. I still cry over this baby and I really don't think I will ever forget.


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