Will always have hope....

The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy.
Psalm 147:11

The person who scans the horizon, who looks ahead and believes that "hope springs eternal in the human breast" maintains a youthful spirit and leads an adventurous life. If you have already traveled far along life's road you might think there is no ground for hope. But you are alive today and this is God's precious gift to you. Make the most of every hour of every day.

Hold on to the assurance that God has saved his best for you - even if you think you are at the end of your road. As a child of God you have the hope of eternal life. Even if this life has been a struggle, even though memories of a beautiful yesterday seem to pull you back into the past, grasp this golden day that God has given to you and live it to the full and the glory of God. Keep the fire of hope burning in your heart and remember that the future holds many opportunities with God.


No - I am not giving up. I truly believe that God will send us the baby we desire - and I am willing to wait as long as God wants me to.

I just hope it's before I'm old and gray :)

Just a small update...

The last cycle was not a success. We had a change of plans and were not able to do the IUI. We did continue with the medicated cycle and gave it a chance. It just didn't work out.

The last few weeks have been very busy for us; with work, having to get a new car and getting ready for Christmas among other things.

Back to our journey....

We are trying another IUI cycle this month. I had my b/w Thursday and the FSH was 14.5; the E2 was 51. Not the best levels; but not to horribly bad either. I started my shots Thursday and go back Wednesday to see how it's progressing.

I really hope and pray this cycle works. There is so much emotion tied up in this. I pray we get some good news in a few weeks.

This is going to be our last IUI cycle. We have decided to move on to IVF if this fails.

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

Got these in and e-mail. I thought they were good.


TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too s eri ously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start a gain?
oh no, that would be me....
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what in the world is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

In Memory....

May 2008

 

Very Long Update.....

Well - here it all goes. The long and emotional of the last 2 months. We had our IUI cycle in April. The cycle went well - I produced 8 eggs; 5 matured and released. A very good cycle - medically speaking. But the cycle failed. We were so disappointed. We totally gave up at that point. We had tried everything we could possibly try. IVF was looking to be our only hope; and neither of us saw a way that would even be possible.

So - much to our surprise; In May I started feeling sick. Not the typical Morning Sickness - but more like a bad cold or flu. The girls at work kept telling me all that week they bet I was pregnant. I told them that was impossible. It could only happen with IVF. So; after several days I decided to take a home test at work just to show them I could not be pregnant. Well - I was proved wrong. A very light line came up on the test stick. I was shocked and didn't know what to think. I first thought the test was wrong. No way could it happen after what the dr's had told us.

So - I called my dr. office and the sent over a lab order for a blood preg. test. Two hours later it was confirmed - I was preg.; but it was a boarderline positive. The pregnancy could go either way they told me.

This was on Friday - May 16, 2008. I was told to repeat the test on Monday to see if my numbers doubled like they should. In a normal preg.; the hcg doubles every 48 hours. My beta hcg was 4.9 on May 16th. I was so happy - forget what that dr. said. I was preg. after he said it was impossible. Nothing could go wrong. God sent us the baby we so desperately wanted. The baby was due on our 3rd wedding anniversary (January 27, 2009). I was so happy I couldn't even wait to get home to tell my husband. I called him from work and told him on the phone. We were both happy; but we were scared at the same time. We so badly wanted this to work out. We wanted this baby to stay with us. The last year and a half had been full of so many disappointments that this one just had to be it.

So when I got off work he called and asked what I was doing. I told him going to Wal-mart. He asked why and I said just to look around. He knows me so well - and knew I wasn't telling him something. So he didn't let that one go. I finally told him I was going to buy some more tests so I could pee on the stick all weekend to make sure the lines got darker. He laughed and said " I knew you would - I am here at Wal-mart waiting for you to walk in the doors." LOL - we bought 6 tests so I could use one twice a day. Now - does anyone else get that excited over a pregnancy??

Well - the lines kept showing up all weekend on those tests - although still very light - they were getting darker.

Monday morning came and I couldn't wait to have my bloodtest. I just knew it had to be good; but I was scared at the same time. It could go either way. I knew this all to well.

So I got to work and we did the beta hcg and prog. Two hours later - I had the results.... Monday - May 19th they were 20.8. They more that doubled. I was so happy and excited I jumped up and screamed and hugged the girl that told me. I was in tears. I could finally relax. This one was it. This one was the keeper. I just knew it. Although my progesterone was a little low at 13.9 - I just had to take prog. supplements for 3 months. So there it was - 750 mg a day of prog. to support the preg.

I called my husband and he was just as excited. Did I stop with the home tests now - oh definately not. I went and bought 5 digital preg. tests that afternoon. I had to see the word preg. before I would totally be relaxed. Next beta hcg and prog. was scheduled for Wednesday.

Well - Wednesday came and my hcg was suppose to double again. Took the blood test - two hours later got the results. My hcg was 101 and my progesterone was 32.5. Holy Cow it more than doubled. The supplements were working. Nothing would go wrong now.

I took the last digital pregnancy test I had and finally saw those beautiful words.... I even took a picture of it.....


We called everyone we could and finally told them I was pregnant.

The next beta was Friday - May 23. I got the most horrible news I could that morning. My hcg dropped. It went to 32.6. The dr. told me to come in for an ultrasound. My heart sunk. I cried all the way to my husbands work where I had to tell him.

The ultrasound was awful. I should have been seeing my baby. Not checking like this. The ultrasound showed exactly what I didn't want to hear. I was losing my baby.

On Memorial Day - May 26, 2008; my baby grew wings and went to heaven.

I have cried until I have been sick. It is all my fault - I am not a "real woman" - if I was I could get preg. and not miscarry.

I have lost all interest in life. I feel like a failure. I am a failure - why can't I do the one thing a woman is suppose to do. I just don't understand this.

We have got a lot of love and support from friends and our church family. The cards; hugs and prayers have all meant a lot.

Where will we go from here - I have no idea. I still cry over this baby and I really don't think I will ever forget.

IUI update....

It's been a while since I updated; so this will be a long one.

In Sept. 2007 I had multiple cysts on both ovaries from all the months of clomid I had been on. So I had to go on a TTC break while being on the BCP to dissolve all those wonderful cysts.

Nov. 7, 2007 I had the followup appt. with the gyn for the cysts. The Dr. appt. didn't go like I thought it would. The good news was the cysts were gone. The bad news is I was diagnosed with PCOS. The Dr. said she consulted with the R.E. and they said there is no chance I could get preg. now without IVF. I lost it in the Dr. office. I had cried until I don't think I could cry anymore. It didn't and still doesn't seem fair. How the heck can you tell by just an u/s that I have PCOS??? I don't understand it. I asked about the HSG and she said there was no reason to do one. That even if my tubes were still open I don't have a chance without IVF. I heard IVF until I didn't want to hear it again.

I COULD NOT accept this. This was NOT FAIR. Why???? All I could think of was WHY???

Then I went on to blame myself for it all. It was MY FAULT for having the TL to begin with. I destroyed my own body and God was punishing me.

After many people told me to call another doctor; I did just that. So on November 08,2007 I called another doctor. He scheduled for an HSG to be done 4 days later and said we would go from there.

Then.... on November 12, 2007 I went for my HSG. It really wasn't that bad. They insert a cath. and inject the dye. I had some mild cramping, but nothing worse than that. The results were good! Both of my tubes are wide open!! The dr. said he saw no reason why I couldn't conceive without IVF! So back on the clomid I went and kept on trying.

More disappointment when it didn't work. So we decided it was time to consult with another RE and find out what all was going on.

So.... January 21, 2008; we had the appt. with the new RE and were in there for 4 hours. It was a long day. Very productive though.

He said the reason for the chemical's I have had is the short tubes. The egg is fertilizing and then it leaves the tubes and tries to implant before the lining is ready for it.

The plan was IUI with follistim. On cd3 I would go in for the baseline and the b/w. They were also going to test me for insulin resistance on cd3. He is also going to do the trigger and add progesterone 2-3 days after the trigger shot.

Did a lot of bloodwork and cultures and also the progesterone test; got all those results back and they were good.

He did say IVF would be our best chance - but it is not impossible for the IUI to work.

So we decided to just rest from everything for a couple of months. Then thanks to a wonderful friend of mine IUI became even more possible. She had some meds left over from her cycle and was nice enough to offer them to me. That would save a lot of money. The only thing was this was gonal - f instead of the follistim; but the RE said that it was basically the same thing and approved me to take it. God is wonderful! It was really starting to look like this could happen.

So we are now in an IUI cycle with injections. I am starting to look like a druggie running around looking for her next hit now I am so bruised - lol.

Anyway - had the first set of blood work on Thursday.

3/27/2008 - U/S & CD3 B/W
FSH - 11
E2 - 57.6
Insulin - 3.3
Potassium - 6.2

Potassium level was high

3/31/2008 - Repeat Potassium test - normal - 5.3

4/2/2008 - next appt.



That’s all of the update for now. Just praying this works.